Wednesday, August 27, 2008


Over the weekend I completed the fourth and for the time being final stage of my garden redesign. I took the 200 or so brick pavers that used to be where the deck and the gravel court are now, and shifted them outside the garden wall. I arranged them in a circular pattern around the street tree, which is very impractical but looks sort of cool.

I could have placed them in rows along the entire length of the verge, which would have provided one or two extra places for visitors to park their cars. But instead I put them around the tree, which is growing in exactly the right place to make parking a car there impossible, unless the car is a BMW Isetta or a Subaru 360, and sadly I don't know many people who drive them. Note to self: befriend more garden gnomes with drivers' licenses.

So, with the deck and the gravel court completed, the Giant Red Robot installed, the paving done and the new plants planted, I am ready to properly enjoy Spring.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


The problem with human beings is that we tend to think in absolutes rather than comparisons: we imagine that the worst thing that is happening to us right now is the worst thing that could happen to us ever.

Take, for example, the case of the residents of Wind Gap, Pennsylvania, who spent years campaigning against the worst possible evil they thought could befall their neighbourhood: a Wal-Mart.

Eventually they won and Wal-Mart took its store elsewhere. Then the whiny NIMBY bitches got their just rewards.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Change (addendum)

Sorry; I just can't let this go.

Monday, August 18, 2008


Some people like Barack Obama.

And some people like Barack Obama to watch over them as they sleep, get dressed, or enjoy marital relations.

Some people need to get out more.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008


On Sunday afternoon I completed Stage Three of my garden renovation, which is also Stage One of my plans for world domination. I finally got around to installing my Giant Killer Robot.

Actually this is only the prototype for my Giant Killer Robot Army, which was supposed to be enforcing my iron will across the globe by now. However it turns out that robotics is hard... much harder than playing 'Halo' or eating cupcakes. It took me six months just to complete my prototype, although admittedly five months and three weeks of that was taken up with playing 'Halo' and eating cupcakes while it leant against the wall in the garage.

While I expect that future soldiers in my Giant Killer Robot Army will be made of steel or possibly plastic, this one is made from painted and varnished plywood. Although it looks as if it's sunk into the earth, it's actually supported by two 2 metre jarrah posts, braced behind its chest and set approximately 400mm beneath the ground in concrete. So that it fulfills an aesthetic as well as super-villanous role, I'm underplanting it with sansevieria trifasciata in the background with agapanthus in the foreground.

The Flatmate has already come up with several ingenious ideas for lighting. Personally I'm more interested in finding a way to get it to bellow "CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY!" at burglars and/or the neighbourhood children.

Monday, August 11, 2008


If you're looking for a theme blog that'll make you a) cough up a lung laughing and b) never feel guilty about your own domestic hygiene again, then have a look at It's Lovely! I'll Take It!, and let the delightfully scathing Sara take you on a journey through the sordid depths of real estate listings.

Sometimes it's the interiors themselves that are awful...

Star Trek meets Chinese propaganda poster! That'll never go out of style!

but sometimes it's simply the baffling, not to mention counter-productive, choice of photograph.

I suspect that this is on the market just because the owners really, really hate cleaning up after parties.

So come for the awful photos... but stay for the Adventures of the Chair!

Friday, August 08, 2008


I'm out for a spin with The Flatmate in his new Saab 93 Aero convertible. A tricked-out Toyota Supra with a lot of silly flares, spoilers and decals makes a great show of passing us on the inside lane, with the apparent intention of demonstrating the driver's incomparable virility.

The Flatmate: You see, in England people don't drive like that. I've only seen that in Australia.

Me: Obviously you don't have as many insecure Asian teenagers in your country.

Running out of space in the inside lane, the Toyota suddenly lurches back into our lane a few cars up, causing numerous brake lights to flare into life.

The Flatmate: Now he's just driving like a retard... no offense.

Me: ...

The Flatmate: Wait, that came out wrong...

Me: (unable to comment for three blocks due to paralysing gales of laughter).

The Flatmate: Okay, yes, very funny. Stop that!

Me: Wuh, I can't help it. You know, bein' retarded an' all.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008


The internet is an unforgiving place, where one grammatical error or misconstrued opinion can result in a vast torrent of ridicule and vitriol. Few sites are safe, but there is one last place where people can indulge their ignorance, misconceptions, greed and false expectations without being trolled into oblivion.

I speak, of course, of eBay. You won’t find a larger collection of dumbasses anywhere on the internet. And because there are no comments, they can live in their fools’ paradises without molestation.

Like all subcultures, the Dumbasses of eBay tend to drift into distinct subcategories. These ones were taken from a single page (the first) within a single section (Sofas/Couches) for a single city (Perth).

1. The Dyslexic Dumbass

its a gray and bule sofa in great condition, there is a two seter and two sigal setters. its a pick up only..

To be fair, this person was obviously experiencing a stroke while typing. And also possibly while selecting their lounge suite circa 1989.

2. The Aesthetic Dumbass

Gorgeous, stylish black 2 seater leather sofa - will add a touch of class to any living area.

True, as long as we remember that “a touch” means “a very small amount”. This is about as gorgeous and stylish as Boris Johnson after a kahlua bender.

3. The Shouting Dumbass


THANK YOU. Appropriately enough, the couch is even louder than the All Caps title, and may be being sold in accordance with a court order after it blinded several local children.

4. The Misleading Dumbass

Three piece lounge suite eames era retro ( good con )

A good con indeed. This faux-Queen Anne monstrosity clings to the Eames design philosophy about as closely as Ingrid Newkirk clings to a side of beef. To call it Eames Era is like saying that Michael Jackson’s ‘Dangerous’ album is an example of grunge because it was recorded in 1991.

5. The Grand High Dumbass of Financial Expectation

It's a beautiful 3 piece suite which we have had for many years, it does have some small holes to it's cane work, and the covers have some marks.

It’s old, it’s ugly, and there are holes in the canework. Reserve price: $3,000. Buy It Now price: $5,000. Number of bids: 0. Ha ha ha!

Meanwhile, in related news, I still can't find a new living room sofa I like.

Friday, August 01, 2008


Dear The Flatmate,

I'm sorry I maxed out our broadband quota watching Dr Horrible's Singalong Blog. It was selfish of me. In fact, I think I may have a PhD in Horribleness myself.

On the other hand, I made muffins! So it all evens out!